They’re all staring at me. They all want to know. I mean. Several of them do die terrible, painful, and tragic deaths. I ‘m thinking only of the Power series really. I haven’t actually killed anyone a reader might love in the Evermagic series, so they’re kind of just sitting in the back of the class and staring dumbly at me becuase…well. I don’t think they get it.
I look guiltily at the front of the class. The characters that didn’t die in book 1 but did die in book 2. Wait. Did I kill anyone in book 2? The several that met their demise…tragically in book 3. Oh… oh book 3. That one. That one was a doozy. And then I wonder at those who survived it and made it to book 4. Did I kill anyone in book 4? And book 5. Now that. Oh cheese. I’m getting some really nasty looks from the survivors of book 5.
Me: Ha ha ha. (It’s awkward laughter). I mean…well. Both?
Me: I didn’t laugh when she died! Well…maybe I did. A little, sadistically on the inside. But it did make me sad. I liked her, you know?
He looks like he’s going to kill me.
Me: Don’t give me that look. (I’m pointing fiercely at him). You get a second chance!
Doristanen: Did you have to kill all those people in book 3?
Me: (I look at him with a pout). If I didn’t I would have had to work them into the other books. I mean. It’s actually the last story I wrote after I rearranged the story’s order. They weren’t in the last two and there were already too many characters. Who was that writer who put everyone in a building and set it on fire or blew it up or something so he could just get rid of all those excess characters?
Annamay: Is that why you killed them? Because there were too many to handle?!
Me: No! I did it to make you all miserable!
They gasp and gawk at me.
Me: And for the drama and because it’s just plain good old storytelling! It’s better in a fantasy like yours if some people die!
Halenor: How about– (he glances at the others) are we counting the bad guys too?
Carna: Nah, there’s too many of them.
Halenor: Then there’s at least…he trails off looking at me uncertainly.
Me: (Laughing). You don’t know because I can’t remember.
Halenor: There’s been at least seven!
Me: Ah, that’s not too bad.
Doristanen: Actually, for five books it’s really not…
Halenor: Always the analysis. It’s like you and her don’t have a heart.
Me: Hey! I have a heart!
Nicolette: Mistress, would you kill any of us?
Me: (I look at her, unmoved by the innocent sweetness in her face). Yes…if your readers wouldn’t mull me to death. In fact, I’ve already considered killing one or two of you.
The Evermagic clan gasps.
Rose: You would do that?
Me: (I just stare at her blankly). Yeah…
All: (Pointing their fingers at me). Satan!
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Have any of you guys seen The Devil is a Part-timer?!
They stare at me blankly and I just look at them smugly.
Me: If I’m that Satan then that means I’m pretty frackin cool.
Halenor: (Shaking his head). Modern pop-culture.
I look over at one of the Power characters sitting by himself and glaring at me. I give him a wry smile and he snarls.
Galadin: You forgot my name…
Me: It’s…been…a while?
Galadin: (He looks over at Halenor, not amused by my remark). It’s anime. (He drawls, glaring at me).
Me: I think…maybe. To make it up to you all, especially you Galadin, I might edit your books.
There’s some silence as they try to figure whether that’s actually a worthwhile exchange and then…
Me: BE GRATEFUL YOU INSIGNIFICANT PUNY SLIME!!!!
All: Yes, Mistress Epicness!
Me: Conclusion. The author that kills his or her best character(s) is Satan, and they’re probably proud of it because if you hate them for it, it means they did their job in tapping into your feels.
Annamay: Wait… I didn’t get an introduction?!
Me: (Sighing). Everyone, this is Annamay. A half-elf who hates elves because of a tragedy in her past. In fact, her whole life is tragic, and she’s broody and kind of a jerk because of it. But she’s a loyal friend and turns out to be a real kick butt awesome character who is a true support for the MC of the Power series. Love her, hate her, she’s going to be one of those you don’t know if you’ll ever like and then want to hold her like a stupid little stuffed teddy bear…maybe… (I look at her and she’s scowling at me). Happy?
She keeps scowling at me.
Me: …BE HAPPY!!!!
Me: There’s more than one version of the devil. The Japanese don’t care. An author’s imagination is her playground, mwahahahahahaha!!!!!